Writing the guest list without falling out with anyone

The guest list is the part of wedding planning most likely to cause an argument, usually with family and usually about someone neither of you has seen in a decade. The way through is to agree rules first, before a single name goes down, and then let the rules make the decisions.

Get the number before the names

Your number comes from two places: what the venue can hold, and what the budget can feed. Take the smaller one. That is the size of the list, and everything that follows is about fitting inside it.

Agree the rules together

• ✦Plus ones: for everyone, for people in established relationships only, or for nobody you have not met?
• ✦Children: all children, family only, or an adults-only day?
• ✦Work: nobody, your immediate team, or only people you see outside work?
• ✦Parents' friends: a set number each, or only people you know yourselves?

Once these are agreed, you can say 'we are not doing plus ones' instead of 'we did not invite your new partner', which is a much easier conversation.

If family are contributing

Ask directly whether money comes with an expectation of guests. Sometimes it does, and it is a fair expectation. Knowing early means you can agree a number for each side, rather than finding out when the list is already full.

Write it in tiers

1. 1Must be thereThe people you would not get married without. Write these first.
2. 2Would love to haveClose friends and family you want there.
3. 3If there is roomThe people you would invite if the numbers allowed. This is the list you draw from if people decline.

Day guests and evening guests

Inviting some people to the evening only is common and widely understood. It lets you include more people without paying for more meals. Be clear on the invitation which part someone is invited to.

RSVPs

Give a firm reply-by date four to six weeks before the day, because the caterer will need final numbers soon after. Keep everything in one list: name, tier, day or evening, dietary requirements, and whether they have replied.